Truck Balls (don’t read this)

I almost caused a horrible accident on I-35 this evening. It was about 5:15 during peak rush hour in OKC. The highway just north of downtown was beginning to merge into 2 lanes from 3 and I had about a ½ mile to execute a textbook merge.

Suddenly, a tan Dodge Dually 4×4 swerved into my lane and cut me off, just to be one car length further than me after the stopped up highway turned into two lanes. The rage started to boil inside of me, but was stifled quickly by my own laughter.

You see, the driver in front of me had a set of those trailer hitch testes proudly displayed on the back of his truck.

I have a love – hate relationship with truck balls. I can’t stand the sight of them and believe they are the absolute worst car accessories on the planet, but I love the idea. It is one of those simple, but brilliant ideas where you can’t help but say, “damn, why couldn’t I have invented that….”

Ok, back to the laughing. I started to think about the process of buying these balls and it cracked me up.

Think about it. You have to go to the auto parts store, walk in, greet the clerk, and ask, “Excuse me, where are the trailer hitch balls?” 

“Oh, you mean the covers that protect the hitch from damaging other items?” the clerk might ask.

“No, the testicles that I physically hang on the back of my vehicle.”

“Oh, Isle 5, by the fuzzy dice and dashboard hula girls.”

 You walk to isle 5 and sure, they have balls. Red ones, purple ones, blue ones, and lime green ones.   But you aren’t satisfied are you.

“Excuse me, where are the flesh colored, veiny balls? These are not realistic enough.”

By now, I was laughing so hard that I was crying. It was pretty embarrassing and I felt like a 6th grade boy, but I couldn’t stop.

You walk the balls up to the clerk, trade currency for them. He or she puts them in a sack and you walk out of the store.

There you are, driving home with a set of balls in the front seat with you.

You get home and open the package. After you unfold the instructions carefully, you double-check which is the front side and which is the back. Since you opted for the realistic model, you have to make sure the slightly higher ball is on the correct side. God forbid this installation goes wrong. You would be the laughing stock of the neighborhood.

At this point, I thought I should pull over. The laughter was unbearable. Then I just felt ashamed, but wouldn’t you know it, I was almost home. Those damn balls provided mindless entertainment for 45 minutes.

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